Amish Paradise:

As I walk through the valley
where I harvest my grain
I take a look at my wife and realize she's very plain
but that's just perfect for an amish like me
You know I shun fancy things like electricity
At 4:30 in the morning I'm milking cows
Jebediah feeds the chickens and Jacob plows ... fool
And I've been milkin and plowin so long that
Even Ezekiel thinks that my mind is gone
I'm a man of the land I'm into dicipline
Got a bible in my hand and a beard on my chin
But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine
Then tonight we're gonna party like it's 1699

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
I've churned butter once or twice
Living in an Amish paradise
It's hard work and sacrifice
Living in an Amish paradise
We sell quilts at discount price
Living in an Amish paradise

A local boy kicked me in the butt last week
I just smiled at him and I turned the other cheek
I really don't care in fact I wish him well
Cause I'll be laughing my head off
When he's burning in hell
But I aint never punched a tourist
even if he deserved it
An Amish with a tude?
You know that's unheard of
I never wear buttons but I got a cool hat
and my homies agree
I really look good in black ... fool
If you come to visit, you'll be bored to tears
We haven't even paid the phone bill in 300 years
But we aint really quaint
so please don't point and stare
We're just technologicly impared

There's no phone, no lights, no motar car
Not a single luxury
Like Robinson Caruso
It's as primitive as can be

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're just plain and simple guys
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no time for sin and vice
Living in an Amish paradise
We don't fight, we all play nice
Living in an Amish paradise

Hichin up the buggy, churnin lots of butter
Raised the barn on Monday, soon I'll raise anotter
Think you're really richous?
Think you're pure at heart?
Well I know I'm a million times as humble as thou art

I'm the pious guy the little Amletts want to be like
On me knees, day and night
scorin points for the afterlife.
So don't be vain, and don't be whiny
or else I might have to get midieval on your hinie

We've been spending most our lives
Living in an Amish paradise
We're all crazy Meninites
Living in an Amish paradise
There's no cops or traffic lights
Living in an Amish paradise
But you'd probably think it bites
Living in an Amish paradise.

Running with Scissors

Aquarius!
There's a travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus.
Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day
Pieces!
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work today
Aries!
The look in your face will be priceless when you find that 40-pound watermelon in your colon
Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf then give a hickey to Meryl Streep
Taurus!
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it? The Stars predict you'll wake up to a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Gemini!
Your birthday will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiancé hurls a javelin through your chest
Cancer!
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud
Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test
Leo!
Now is not the time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no
Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of Strawberry Quik
Virgo!
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent -
except for you
Expect a big surprise when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Now you may find it inconcievable or at the very least a bit unlikely that the relative position of the planets and the stars could have a special deep significance or meaning that exclusively applies to only you, but ley me give you the assurance that these forecasts and predictions are all based on solid, scientific documented evidence, so you would have to be some kind of moron to realize that every single one of them is absolutely true.

Where was I?

Libra!
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented than you
Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week
Scorpio!
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window
Work a little bit harder on improving your low self esteem, you stupid freak
Sagittarius!
All your friends are laughing behind your back...
Kill them
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den
Capricorn~
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person... but you know they're lying
If I were you, I'd lock my doors and windows and never never never never leave my house again

That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today
That's your horoscope for today

Albuquerque

Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait Shop...You know the place...Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was juuuuust peachy...except of course for the undeniable fact that every single morning my mother would make me a big old bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast. Aaahhhh...big bowl of sauerkraut! Every single morning! It was driving me crazy! I said to my mom, I said "Hey! Mom! What's up with all the sauerkraut?" And my dear, sweet mother, she just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train. And she leaned right down next to me and she said, "IT'S GOOD FOR YOU!!" And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth and force-fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty-six and a half years old. That's when I swore that someday, someday I would get out of that basement and travel to a magical, faraway place where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm rootbeer and the towels are oh so fluffy. Where the Shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long and anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. Wokka-wokka do-do-yeah! Well, let me tell you people it wasn't long at all before my dream came true. Because the very next day a local radio station had this contest to see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt. I was off by three, but I still won the Grand Prize, that's right- a first class one-way ticket to Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Oh, yeah...you know I'd never been on a real airplane before and I gotta tell you it was really great! Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor and the little kid in back of me kept throwing up the whole time. The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts and the in-flight movie was "Bio-dome" with Pauly Shore and oh yeah- three of airplane engines burned out and we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside and plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody DIED...except for me. Ya know why? Because I had my tray table up and my seatback in the full, upright position. Had my tray table up and my seatback in the full, upright position, had my tray table up and my seatback in the full, upright position. Ahhahaha, ahaha, ahhhh. So I crawled from the twisted, burning wreckage, I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days dragging along my big leather suitcase, and my garment bag and my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball and my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel. But finally I arrived at the world-famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn, where the towels are oh so fluffy and you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you want to. It's okay, they're clean!
Well I checked into my room and I turned down the AC and I turned on the Spectra-Vision and I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow that I love so very, very much when suddenly there's a knock on the door. Well now who could that be? I say, "Who is it?" No answer. "Who is it?" There's no answer. "WHO IS IT!?" They're not saying anything! So finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected it's some big, fat, hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril. Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel and I'm like "Hey, you can't have that. That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me!" And he's like, "Tough." And I'm like, "Give it!" And he's like, "Make me!" And I'm like, "-kay!" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus, and I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows and I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation- yes, indeed you better believe it. And somehow in the middle of it all the phone got knocked off the hook and twenty seconds later I heard a familiar voice. And you know what it said? I'll tell you what it said. It said, "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial your Operator. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again. If you need help hang up and then dial your Operator." In Albuquerque! Albuquerque!
Well, to cut a long story short he got away with my snorkel. But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest, I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice. But first I decided to buy some doughnuts. So I got in my car and I drove over to the doughnut shop and I walked on up to the guy behind the counter and he says, "Yeah..what do ya want?" I said, "You got any glazed doughnuts?" He said, "No, we're out of glazed doughnuts!" I said, "Well, you got any jelly doughnuts?" He said, "No, we're out of jelly doughnuts!" I said, "You got any bavarian creme-filled doughnuts?" He said, "No, we're out of bavarian creme-filled doughnuts!" I said, "You got any cinnamon rolls?" He said, "No, we're out of cinnamon rolls!" I said, "You got any apple fritters?" He said, "No, we're out of apple fritters!" I said, "You got any bear claws?" He said, "Wait a minute, I'll go check..................No, we're out of bear claws!" I said, "Well, in that case, in that case what DO you have?" He says, "All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels." I said, "Okay, I'll take that." So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out and they immediately latch on to my face and start biting me all over. Arghhere...grchhshhhs...oh man, they were just going nuts, they were tearing me apart! You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started going through my head. I believe it went a little something like this...."DAHHHHHHHH GET EM OFF ME, GET EM OFF ME AHHHHHH GET EM OFF GET EM OFF OHHHH AHHHHH OOOHH GOD GET OFF ME GET EM OFF ME OHHHH OH GOD AHHHHHHH!" I ran out into the street with these flesh eating weasels all over my face, waving my arms all around and just running, running, running like a constipated wiener dog. And as luck would have it that's exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams.
Her name was Zelda. She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches. I'll never forget the very first thing she said to me. She said, "Hey! You got weasels on your face." That's when I knew it was true love. We were inseparable after that...ah we ate together, we bathed together. We even shared the same piece of mint flavored dental floss. The world was our burrito. So we got married and we bought us a house and had two beautiful children, Nathanial and Superfly. Oh we were so very, very, very happy, oh yeah. But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me, she said, "Sweetie-pumpkin, do you want to join the Columbia Record Club?" I said, "Whoa! Hold on now baby! I'm just not ready for that kind of a commitment!" So we broke up and I never saw her again but that's just the ways things go in Albuquerque. Albuquerque!

Anyway, things started really looking up for me because about a week later I finally achieved my lifelong dream. That's right, I got me a part-time job at the Sizzler. I even made Employee of the Month after I put out that grease fire with my face. Ah yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that- I was getting a lot of attitude. Okay, like one time I was out in the parking lot trying to remove my excess ear wax with a golf pencil when I see this guy Marty trying to carry a big old sofa up the stairs all by himself. So I say to him, I say, "Hey, you want me to help you with that?" And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes, "Noooo, I want you to cut off my arms and legs off with a chainsaw!" So I did. And then he gets all indignant on me. He's like, "Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!" Well, that's just great! How was I supposed to know that? I'm not a mind reader for cryin' out loud. Besides, now he's got a really cute nickname, "Torso Boy", so what's he complaining about? Say...that reminds me of another amusing anecdote. This guy comes up to me on the street and he tells me he hasn't had a bite in three days. Well, I knew what he meant but just to be funny I took a big bite out of his jugular vein. And he's yelling and screaming and bleeding all over and I'm like, "Hey, c'mon, don't ya get it?" But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk bleeding and screaming, "AHHHHHHH YAHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHH," you know, completely missing the irony of the whole situation. Man, some people just can't take a joke, you know? Anyway......um.......where was I? Kinda lost my train of thought. Well, okay anyway I know it's kind of a roundabout way of saying it, but I guess the whole point I'm trying to make here is...I HATE SAUERKRAUT!!! That's all I'm really trying to say. And by the way, if one day you happen to wake up and find yourself in an existential quandary, full of loathing and self-doubt and wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful, meaningless existence, at least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that somewhere out there in this crazy, old mixed-up universe of ours there's still a little place called Albuquerque. Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! I said, "A!" (A!) "L!" (L!) "B!" (B!) "U!" (U!)..."querque!" (querque!) ........Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! Albuquerque! (belch)