Welcome To Jokes!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if itwas dead or alive. "Dead." She was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered thechild innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise."You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"
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One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said."I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
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It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girlwas wearing a particularly pretty dress and,as she sat down, the pastor leanedover and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
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When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said,"Mommy, you are getting fat!"
I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"
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A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy S___! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
~Sent in by Will

The last 4 former US Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well. . . I. . think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard.

"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT' S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

~From Stupid.com

If one hand is on the wheel and the other is on the horn, then the driver is from Chicago.

If one hand is on the wheel and one finger is out the window, then the driver is from New York.

If one hand is on the wheel, one finger is out the window, and the car is cutting across all lanes of traffic, then the driver is from New Jersey.

If one hand is on the wheel, one hand is on a newspaper, and the foot is solidly on the accelerator, then the driver is from Boston.

If one hand is on the wheel, the other is on a non-fat double decaf cappucino, cradling a cell phone, and there is a brick on the accelerator, the the driver is from Los Angeles.

If both hands are on the wheel, eyes are squeezed shut, both feet are on the brake, and the driver is quivering in terror, then the driver is from Ohio but is driving in California.

If one hand is on a latte, one knee is on the wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, and the mind is on the game, then the driver is from Seattle.

If both hands are clutching the wheel, some blue hair is barely visible above window level, doing 35 on the interstate in left lane with left blinker on, then the driver is from Florida.

~Sent by Will

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